i can feel death. can see it`s beady eyes

Radiohead always makes me cry. It's just the tears themselves that change.

The first time I heard Thom Yorke sing the words "now that you found it, it's gone" was four concerts and what seems like a lifetime ago. I barely even knew the song. I didn't understand pain the way I do now.

So when the opening chords of Pyramid Song blanketed the Bell Centre last night, I just sat on the edge of my seat with my head in my hands. I closed my eyes and shut out the lights, the crowd, the screens. Just me and that voice. I knew what was coming. And I just let them come. The desperate, lonely tears. The ones that you'd rather not shed because they come without warning. This is the one song I always wish I could have written. Like he took the words right out of my heart.

All my lovers were there with me
All my past and future
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt

I thought about Jules and I thought about Tigger and Amy and my brother and my parents and what it must feel like to die alone (because we all die alone) only to have everyone that's ever meant anything to you magically waiting there on the other side, sooner or later, ready to forgive and be forgiven and tell you that it really was all a bad dream. That people never really grow apart and go their separate ways. That what felt like life was just some sort of dry run without real consequence. That there really is a happy ending.

Those would be some tears of joy, I'd cry. Some tears of joy.