the cloud with no silver lining.

I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately. Ever since she came over for Thanksgiving and just kind of sat there on the edge of the couch, not quite that far from us but still watching from a distance behind her glasses. There's been a distance growing for some time now. I feel it's a confused sort of distance, like maybe she's no longer exactly sure what is going on with each of us at every moment and plays it safe by smiling and listening more than she speaks. I still catch her speaking to Amy in Italian, which is always a good sign. She's better one on one. And she always seems to know where I'm at in my life, even if she repeatedly asks me if I have two cats or just one. I understand why she might be confused but I'm not even sure she remembers that one of them died and was only later replaced. I always smile and answer the question, like nothing was. But maybe something is. Maybe the Alzheimer's is finally starting to catch up with her - and in more ways than just her forgetfulness. Maybe she's also starting to get a little paranoid. And maybe she's starting to feel like she's becoming a weight that few of us are truly willing to shoulder, my Mom excluded. And maybe she's partially right.

All I know is that I always visit every Sunday with the intention of trying my best to be as close to her as I can. But it's getting harder and harder to do. I'll rub her shoulders and then she'll tell me she's in the clouds and I'll believe her.

I understand. But we both live on very different clouds.