because sometimes life just rips you

I believe that's how the saying goes. Whatever the exact wording, I get the implication now.

I went to the pad Friday night hoping to have an inspired night of music - the kind I feel I've been needing for a while now. What I got instead was a violent stomache virus. I tried to fight it at first, even if my mind was telling me it was not going to end well. (Having a decade-long vomit-free streak will work wonders for your denial) But Amy's texts buried those hopes. She was already down and out. And in the end it was much, much stronger than me. And when it finally came, there was nowhere to run. So I just lay down on the floor with my garbage can and took it. Not like a man, more like a child. A scared little child.

After four hellish hours I decided enough was enough and drove home. Whatever was left of that night and most of my Saturday became a nauseus blur. I figured things couldn't get much worse.

Except tonight they did. My empty stomach was no match for my heavy heart. Sometimes there are fears and doubts that you carry with you for years and years. You keep them inside because it's easier to do so. Even if you get the occasional heartache, you rarely spill your beans. It just seems easier that way. Sometimes, you can even make yourself feel better by remembering just how long it's been that you haven't said anything to upset that delicate balance. As if that in itself is proof that things are really okay.

But then someone comes up out of the blue and unintentionally sticks their fingers down your throat.

And everything comes out. All your fears and all your doubts and all the tears you've never cried before - except maybe alone to yourself over a beautiful chord progression or a good movie. And then you feel the weight of your own words and the damage they're inflicting and you cry some more. You want to take them back. Stuff them back into your mouth. But you can't. The damage has already been done and you are both just smoking wreckage under the weight of it all.

So you pull her to you and hold on as tight as you can.

While you still can.