When you're stuck with a brain like mine, being silent isn't bad enough. It's important to figure out what's behind it. It's important to question it. Dissect it. Dismiss. Accept. Overcome.
So why did this blog suddenly go cold? It's been just over a month and a half but it feels like years. Would make a great tagline for life since I've been back. Everything feels so far away here, like I'm halfway between my past and my future. I'm functioning in a present that is painfully slow - like I'm standing on some jam-packed escalator spanning a redundant expanse of airport terminal. Whatever must be will be. But my gate can't come fast enough. Can't get too excited about things that haven't happened yet. Can't get too down about things that are out of my control now. And as much as I'd love to just stand there and enjoy the ride, there ain't much in terms of a view.
I cook, clean, skype, read, manage, shop and occasionally exercise, smoke and offer advice with an ease I haven't felt in forever. I look happy - people tell me all the time. Despite all the reasons not to, I still smile an honest smile.
But then it still doesn't explain my silence, does it? I wonder sometimes if I'm scared to come across as being too happy on here. I hold on to my words like a paranoid double agent trying to shake off a stubborn tail that exists only in my head. Maybe I don't want to taunt the Universe too much. Or risk some reverse karma. Maybe I'm just too comfortable. Or maybe the colours just aren't as bright without you by my side.
So why did this blog suddenly go cold? It's been just over a month and a half but it feels like years. Would make a great tagline for life since I've been back. Everything feels so far away here, like I'm halfway between my past and my future. I'm functioning in a present that is painfully slow - like I'm standing on some jam-packed escalator spanning a redundant expanse of airport terminal. Whatever must be will be. But my gate can't come fast enough. Can't get too excited about things that haven't happened yet. Can't get too down about things that are out of my control now. And as much as I'd love to just stand there and enjoy the ride, there ain't much in terms of a view.
I cook, clean, skype, read, manage, shop and occasionally exercise, smoke and offer advice with an ease I haven't felt in forever. I look happy - people tell me all the time. Despite all the reasons not to, I still smile an honest smile.
But then it still doesn't explain my silence, does it? I wonder sometimes if I'm scared to come across as being too happy on here. I hold on to my words like a paranoid double agent trying to shake off a stubborn tail that exists only in my head. Maybe I don't want to taunt the Universe too much. Or risk some reverse karma. Maybe I'm just too comfortable. Or maybe the colours just aren't as bright without you by my side.
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