i had gone there to see her mother. because it had been eating me up for a long time. the way we had left off. my brother was living there. not sure why. not even sure why or if i even knew that before getting there. but i got there and i saw her. she was happy at first - or at least pleasant. we spoke about how things had been and i made sure not to talk about her. and she made sure not talk about her either. but as soon as i saw the emotion flood her face i said it had been for the best. i said it like i had been ready for it. she said she knew but it still killed her anyway. she was better now but she was still not willing to let it go. she probably wanted to say she'd never forgive me but she couldn't. not there and then. there was nothing else to say. i knew she'd be getting home soon and i had a sudden urge to get out. cleanly. just then the door opened and i rushed for the closet. i heard her come in. her voice. she was coming to change in this room, my brother whispered to me, panicked. he said hi to her like nothing was but i knew she knew better. i watched from the vent in the door and tried not to breathe. our eyes crossed and i heard her gasp when she realized someone was looking back. or maybe that was me. either way, i recognized the fear in that gasp. nightmare fear. i thought of coming out right then and there but i stayed frozen to the spot. i was sure she was going to open the door but she didn't. she kept telling him she could have sworn she had seen someone. it's almost as if she didn't want to believe herself. she left and disappeared behind another door. i wanted to make a run for it. but the hallway was too long and i ran into her again. she stared at me and didn't say a word. i thought maybe i'd try the stupid smile i had been considering in the closet but i didn't. before i could explain, her sister came down the hallway like a steam train. she told me to get the fuck out and kept shovelling me towards the door. it was as if that one line was propelling her forward. there was no reasoning. on the way down that impossibly endless hallway, i ran into her father. everything my brain was pleading not to happen happened. he just said hello and kept walking like he had somewhere better to be. the rest of us converged at the exit. they kept whipping the insults, emotionless. and i kept thinking that i deserved it. but they were all laughing and enjoying it now. i came down the long steps and realized it was raining heavily. i also realized that i was wearing a suit. i stood there, embarrassed and angry and finally told my brother i was leaving. i tried to walk away with grace but i could feel her eyes on my back, watching my every step. i cried my tears onto flooded sidewalks and felt better with every step. i switched to autopilot and didn't notice that the entire city was unrecognizable. i had to take a boat to get home. i didn't even know where i was or where i was going. it was like a video game now. i passed several canal locks and when i final reached the giant jaw bridge door that would take me home, it was underwater. i took a chance and dove right in. i knew the door would open when it had to, releasing all that water. just like in the movies. when it did the water evaporated all around me and i started to climb down a flight of circular metal stairs. i realized that i had been carrying an acoustic guitar the entire time. some guy who had been sitting there smoking a cigarette and enjoying the view asked if i knew some particular wartime tune. he hummed it to me and i assured him i didn't. he still asked me if he could play it to me a little to jog my memory. his nails were long and dirty. that's when i realized the staircase we were on sprung out for kilometres below. like a beanstalk. the weather had cleared and it was a magnificent view that only became more and more terrifying as the bottom came into sharper focus. the height started to sink in and my mind started to scream. i could feel the whole thing swaying. i wanted to get down more than anything else in the world. i told them both i had to go but they could read my mind. one kept singing and the other started to rock the stairs like we were on an old suspension bridge. the breeze should have cleared my head, i kept telling myself, but it didn't. it only made me more nauseous. he was rocking so much that i had to wrap my arms and legs around the steel railing to keep from slipping off. that scene in paranoid android kept flashing through my head. from a great height.
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